Thursday, April 9, 2015

Throwback Thursday: A Year Ago

Writing prompt: Throwback Thursday

Today I'm looking back at last April, because it feels like ages ago and so much feels different now.

Looking back... I was reeling from a second failed adoption match. I needed a big change, a distraction, something to fill that ever-growing desire to expand my family and find Baby #2. I wanted to run away. I wanted to go back home to Georgia and have my Mama take care of me, lol. Super homesick. We made a 1-year-plan to leave Utah and all we've known the first 10 years of our marriage behind and start a new adventure somewhere else. Be around family again. Feel that comfort.

I realized I was in no emotional state to take care of our pets, so I found them a new home. That opened up possibilities for our living situation (soooo many places don't allow pets and we've lived in some crappy/depressing places just because they allowed our kitties). Last April, we found a much nicer place to move to and we got to packing (sometimes that helps to scratch that wanting-to-move-far-far-away itch that I get).

Fertility treatments had cropped back up in my life and I began writing about that again last April. We were seriously considering for most of 2014 that we needed to get back in that game. It never felt completely right, but I needed to be doing SOMETHING other than just waiting around. It made me feel somewhat productive, even though it didn't amount to anything as far as helping me get pregnant at all.

It's always a battle now to accept my infertility and that I can't have as much control as I wish I did. The last 7 years have largely been spent trying to find my family and piece it together and wishing I didn't have to try so hard. Part of me wishes I knew what I know now when we were first married, back in 2004... so that I could've done something about it earlier. And part of me is grateful I spent those first 4 years of our marriage completely oblivious to the fact that something really was wrong.

It would be so nice if this didn't consume so much of my life right now. If I could move forward and say 100% that my family is complete and I can move on to other things. Last April, I didn't think that was possible... I agonized over it all. Today, just a year later... I am in a completely different headspace. I know we're going to be just fine and our children WILL come to us and it's not something that needs to be agonized over anymore. Things weave together the way they should. Two of my babies are home and more will be coming in time.

Shak brought a whole lot of peace with him. And a view of a bigger picture. I was soooo worried that we would never find Baby #2. Terrified that it wouldn't happen. Searching and searching with no apparent direction... but that's exactly how we found him. We would've never worked with the agency we used for his adoption if it hadn't happened the way it did... the series of events leading up to Baby #2 pushed me to network like crazy and learn all I could about private adoption and lawyers, facilitators, agencies, the adoption laws of various states. I submersed myself in learning all that I could and talking to as many expectant moms considering adoption as possible. I listed our profile on every adoption profile site I could find that wouldn't break the bank (some are like $200 a month, but several are free). I scanned through available adoption situations on various sharing groups/sites/blogs, whatever. And then... there he was. I wouldn't have found him any other way. I had to be stretched. That time between Kal and Shak was necessary. I know how to navigate the adoption world much better than I did even a year ago. And now that he's here... the relief is amazing.

I appreciate my family so much more. We got lucky with Kal. We had to work hard for Shak. That experience was necessary... I can see that now.

We are no longer sticking to that 1-year-plan to move to Georgia. We still have a few things to do here first.

Random pictures from last April:
Look how young he looked! I remember those days... back when he still used to take a nap, ha ha.

Last Easter, throwing the football in the yard/street with friends.

Spending so much time with my little buddy...

Now I have two little munchkins to wrestle and blessings are abounding, so I have no worries about the future and no concern about future babies. I'm busy building a home with the ones I've got until they all make their way home to me. (Zay says he wants enough boys to have a basketball team. :) Only 3 more to go then! ha ha ha)

One year later... Man, I LOVE THESE BOYS!

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