Thursday, January 15, 2015

Fertility Madness

I'll get to the adoption talk. :) But first...

My body has been tricking me. To start with, I'm not used to this whole "having a period" nonsense. It makes the infertility journey that more depressing to have such a bold, uncomfortable reminder so often that I'm NOT pregnant and WON'T BE EVER. That's what it feels like, anyway. It was so much nicer to just have an occasional period and forget about being infertile the rest of the year.

But here I am trying to get healthy and BE NORMAL. What was I thinking? ... I was settling in on a 28-day cycle and I thought that was pretty amazing. Look at me! I'm normal! I'm fixing myself! I wasn't ovulating, but I thought... meh, that'll come eventually if I just keep going and keep healing myself slowly.

Then I had a 36 day cycle and I FREAKED OUT. Took a million pregnancy tests. Started counting back the days. I was so confused because I didn't think I'd ovulated at all. Checking symptoms, peeing on sticks, and driving myself crazy. Period came, I shed a few hot angry tears about it. Picked myself up and got back on the wagon.

Now, for who knows what reason, I'm settling in to a 21-day cycle consistently. That is NOT cutting it, yall. Not at all. It's really making me angry. Even if I somehow managed to get pregnant, I get the feeling I would miscarry. I wouldn't be able to hold it, because I can't keep my progesterone levels high enough to have a normal cycle, let alone sustain a pregnancy. Maybe that's not true, but it's how it feels at this point.

Then a couple times I actually got positive OPKs during my cycle and I thought - whoo hoo! I'm ovulating! But... hold your horses, Alice Anne. Maybe not really. Women with PCOS get false positive OPKs way more often than the average woman does. And as we've seen, I'm not average. Not normal. This sucks. Can't even count on my pee sticks to give me any real indication if I'm ovulating or not, so it's just confusing and torture. Either way, I'm not pregnant so it didn't really matter I guess.

But ovulating on my own without Clomid would've been so dang awesome. I keep making that my goal - to heal, to re-align, to get my hormones in order, and to ovulate "naturally."

Zay slowly stopped taking Clomid to boost his numbers, and now refuses to do another sperm analysis. So we have no idea if we made progress there or not. But I can't blame him. It all sucks. 

I've had short cycle after short cycle and it just made me fed up with my body. I wish it would give me ANY SEMBLANCE OF NORMALCY!!! And predictability! The whole menstrual cycle thing is supposed to be on a timer... like clockwork. It's supposed to be at least fairly predictable, if not spot on. I've never had that and even now when I'm working with my body and trying to get it on a schedule, it's not responding as predictably as I'd hoped.

The good news: my testosterone levels have dropped a ton... that makes me think I'm doing something right. My thyroid hormones are exactly where they need to be... that makes me think I'm doing something right. My blood sugar looks good. I feel great. At the beginning of the year Zay and I started a Paleo/whole foods/green smoothie type of "diet." I say I'm doing the Paleo diet, but really I'm just consciously making a decision to change how I eat for good. No more backtracking. And I'm back to exercising 5 days a week like I'm supposed to. And... in two weeks, I've lost almost 7 lbs. After 6 months or so of being stagnant. I'm losing the weight that I need to. I keep thinking, something's gotta click for my body. Zay and I are gonna be healthy together and then, BOOM. It's gonna happen. Right?

Right before Thanksgiving, I just knew. Deep in my heart. I knew all these changes we're making to heal ourselves from the inside out won't work to get us pregnant. We will be healthy and happy, but still infertile. The light at the end of that dark tunnel was to give it all we've got with in vitro. There's a clinic that will do something to the effect of 4 fresh embryo transfers and all fresh transfers in between... until you get pregnant and bring home a baby. For a set price. Or your money back (except for the cost of meds). I looked at loans. I thought it out in my head. I talked it over with Zay. He basically said, Yes if it'll make me happy. But really he just thinks adoption is our path and we should've stopped worrying about fertility stuff ages ago. Like we originally did. Because in vitro could end up being one big waste of time and money and a lot of heartache for nothing.

But I just thought, He's just saying that... I know he wants a biological child. He wants me to get pregnant. He wants that experience with me. I wanted to jump in. To do it. Just try it and see what happens. Do some more testing. See about the quality of my eggs. My future babies depend on what I choose right now and I'm doing everything I can to add to my family, and it's NOT WORKING!!! Cue more tears.

So, that was the plan. After the holidays, make a baby in a lab and put it (or them) in me, dangit. I can't rely on my body responding positively to gentle coaxing to get me pregnant in a timely manner. I can't rely on other people to make decisions about whether or not I can have a second child or not. I need control. I need to do something, ASAP. Because MY FUTURE BABIES DEPEND ON THIS.

I felt like I needed to bring out the big guns, get my one pregnancy out of the way while I'm young and my eggs are as healthy as they're ever going to be. Or freeze them now because they're only going to get worse as time passes!! I could feel this panic rising up in my chest. A similar feeling to when I knew Kal was out there... my baby is coming and I need to do something right this second to make sure we find him! Like time was running out.

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