Friday, January 16, 2015

Adoption Madness

My fortune at our last eating-out session before the New Year. I think it applies to the adoption craziness.

Right before Halloween, we finally updated our homestudy (we moved forever ago, so we had to do an update to it). It took awhile to find the right day. My new work schedule kinda keeps me busy during all the important business hours of the day, so trying to get anything done is just crazy. My 30-minute lunch break a lot of times is spent rushing to run an errand really fast. Weirdly our caseworker showed up a day early and threw me off. Whoops. She basically said "my bad" and showed up again the next day. The update went fine and quickly. I had scrubbed the heck out of our place and made sure everything was locked, safe, up-to-code, and ready to go. Caseworker was in and out. Easy peasy.

I was super tired all of a sudden and I kept thinking, wouldn't it be crazy if I was pregnant? Right when we're updating our adoption homestudy? Buuuuut, of course not.

Early in November, the lawyer from our Louisiana failed adoption popped up on my phone. And I thought... whhhhaaaaat? Had no idea what she could be calling for. My heart jumped to my throat and I knew she could only be calling for one thing. I said, "HI! Didn't expect to hear from you!" She sounded rushed and wanted to know if we were still looking to adopt, if our homestudy was updated, and if I could email her a profile to show a mom who was coming in that morning. She asked what we were looking for in an adoption. From what I could gather from her throwing out random bits of information about this situation, the birth mother was white. Because she said, "The birth father is coming. I don't know anything about him. If he turns out to be white, would you run for the hills?" Lol. I was like, "Ummmm.... no." Ha ha. She said she didn't know what kind of openness this girl wanted... whether she'd want a family far away like we are, "So she doesn't run into you at the grocery store." I jotted notes about it down, but just chuckled at this lawyer's way of saying things. I told her I was at work and that I'd try to send her something quickly. We don't have a nice professional pdf copy of our adoption profile, so I threw something together in a Word doc, emailed her, and then waited. But I heard nothing. It was nice to know that she thought of us, I guess. And that we were being shown as an option. It totally threw me off at work. I could NOT focus for like the next 3 hours. I was a mess of nerves. But the longer it took for the lawyer to get back to us, the more I relaxed and knew it was just one of those things and nothing would come of it. Annnnnd, back to reality......

This same day I was emailing back and forth with an attorney in Hawaii who was looking for families for Marshallese babies in Arkansas. I told her I was interested and asked her for more information, but it's way too expensive. Of course. She got snippy with me and said if I don't act on these situations now, she may not have the same opportunities for me a year from now. I was like, "Okaaaaay." Screw you and your unethical profiting from adoptions. Neeeext.

Every so often we get an email from a local Utah adoption agency, looking for a "family of color." We're one of only a handful approved with LDS Family Services that get classified that way, so we get these emails pretty often. For one reason or another, none of the situations feels right and I turn them down nicely. Every single time, it's just like.... hmmmmm, where's MY baby? Is he/she even really out there? Why in the world am I still torturing myself?

I got a call from a free volunteer LDS matching service I had signed us up for. They were looking for a family for a baby due early in 2015 that would have muscular dystrophy. I said no. Ugh. Lay on the guilt, right? She understood, but she was so excited for us to work with them because she wants to advocate for us since we're the only "family of color" they have. Haven't heard from her since. Talking to her reminded me of when our LDS Family Services caseworker said to not put in our paperwork unless we really wanted a baby that second, because it's gonna happen SO FAST. Yeah, right.

I just kept networking like crazy, reading all kinds of adoption situations that get posted to various sharing sites/groups/lists. None of them felt right. I ended up not liking the agency or the attorney or the money risk or the health problems the baby will face or the location or something. There's always something that makes me pause and think, I've been here before and this feels just like the ones that have fallen through. Or I know better now and I don't want to get involved with that. Or we're not ready for a child with that sort of disability. Or this agency feels sketchy to me and I don't like it. Or, we can't afford those fees.... absolutely not. Baby-selling a-holes. I was at a loss. Like, why do I keep reading these? The plan was the wait it out with LDS Family services and then switch to PACT at the beginning of the year. I had PACT's paperwork all filled out at my desk at home. Just waiting for me to submit it. But in the meantime, I just kept looking. For no apparent reason, it seemed. Just passing the time until we switch agencies.

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