Monday, January 19, 2015

2014


Well, 2014 is over. I remember thinking after such a crappy 2013, that 2014 had to be better. And it was. But it was also a lot of work. Prep work for bigger and better things, I think.

We began the new year only halfway hopeful that we were adopting in March (okay, I was halfway hopeful... Zay was 0% hopeful). Very quickly that all went down the drain when Miss H had her baby girl 8 weeks early, bonded with her in the NICU, and then decided adoption wasn't for her after all. I'm just thankful she told us not to come or else we would've had a repeat of traveling for nothing like we did when we drove ALL THE WAY to New Orleans. Sigh...

That adoption falling through really made me question if we could keep trying to do this or not. Adoption is not easy and my optimism had dropped into the gutter. I worried that all this negativity would make me lose my faith or turn me into a bad person. An angry, bitter, spiteful person. I kept praying about it. I kept getting the same answer to keep going, but I saw no end in sight. Zay became my encouragement (it's usually the other way around), but it was really hard to hear the answer that we should keep trying when everything was just SO HARD. I wanted to quit.

To battle that negativity, I tried to turn the failed adoption into a service opportunity. Here was my chance to face something soul-crushing and make it positive rather than letting it change me. I hosted a virtual baby shower for Miss H and managed to somehow (through the generosity of many in my little community) gather big packages of baby clothes and diapers and toys and money, etc. to send to her. She was shocked. I'm still amazed at how that went down. It helped me survive it. Letting go of what I wanted and thinking about what she was going to need totally changed the vibe of the whole thing and helped me not lose hope completely that God can make beauty from ashes.

I had to distance myself from adoption to keep my sanity and we started looking into fertility treatments again. This time, we wanted to move past medication and start really thinking about making a baby in a lab (lol). I've never felt like this is what we were supposed to do. Ever. I just felt pushed to my limit and knew NOW was the time to add to our family and I needed to find a way to make that happen. We ended up not being able to bring ourselves to do it yet.

I ended an unhealthy friendship (long overdue). We moved to a bigger, nicer place. I was so homesick. We made plans to move back to Georgia in a year (by May 2015), but Zay and I were sitting outside and talking at our new place and he said that he thought a lot was going to happen in a year and we won't leave as soon as we think. (I think he's right.) I spent an amazing summer with my little heart-and-soul, Kal. I absolutely loved being a stay-at-home mom with him and can't wait to have the opportunity to do that again. I volunteered a ton at an animal shelter and got called to be a Den Leader in the Cub Scouts.

We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in July. I can't believe 10 years have gone by just like that. I'm happy to say that we have been through A LOT and we're better than ever. We've learned so much together over these years. We're so different, but we're so alike. It's weird. We've had plenty of opportunities to call it quits, but instead somehow we've managed to let experience build us up rather than tear us down... and increase our commitment to each other. At this point we are rock solid. And we plan to keep it that way. I have no doubt that this is the man God designed for me and I am loved unconditionally. That is an amazing feeling. We spent our anniversary eating at The Melting Pot and staying at the Stein Eriksen Lodge in Park City. Kal had his first multi-night sleepover with his friends and did an amazing job. It was nice to have time to ourselves to re-connect and celebrate 10 YEARS! Although being in that super fancy hotel just made me realize how much of a country bumpkin I really am. I just want to be laying out under the Georgia stars!

My stay-at-home mommyhood ended and I got a job that is giving me some great experience in my field. This is going to open doors for me that I am so excited about! Kal started pre-school and he LOVES it. He's such a social kid. That's part of the reason why we get so sad about him not having a brother or sister. He has started to ask us for a sibling and that has been heartbreaking.

Zay finally quit working retail jobs for good and made the decision to go to school full-time to go ahead and finish up his degree. I am SO proud of him. We need this investment in our future and it's been a long time coming. Time for positive changes!

We finally really made the concrete decision that we want to pursue foster care. We started the paperwork and classes just to see what it would be like. And we know for sure that's what we want to do. But like we thought, it'll probably have to be after we move to Georgia and buy a house. We'll do it there. I'm so glad this seed has been planted in our hearts, though. It's the same reason Zay wants to be a social worker as well. We want to change the world, one child at a time. This is what we were meant to do. Every plan we make from here on out will be with that goal in mind - to be in Georgia, with a house, doing foster care.

In September, it marked a year since I began treating my thyroid. It hasn't helped me get pregnant, but there is a world of difference in how I feel. I am SO thankful that I sought treatment when I knew something felt off and that it's now under control. We have made lots of healthy choices in 2014. Good habits that we want to stick with.

Adoption came back into our lives when we were ~matched~ again! We put a pause on foster care training. Pause on fertility treatment. Because we're back in the game, baby! Baby due Feb 20th - can't wait!

Weird side note - I got an email from a girl who read my blog and was looking for someone to adopt her bi-racial little boy in March. I toyed with the idea of adopting two babies at once. Hey, if it's meant to be, right? She was frustrated with her adoption agency in Arizona because they weren't able to find a family that matched what she wanted (an interracial family), so she did her own research and came across our blog. It would've been cool, just because we would be able to go through LDS Family Services for that one and it would've been totally inexpensive to do. I gave her instructions on how to contact our agency... and she never did. So that was that. Don't know why she didn't follow through. But whatevs. I've already got my baby boy coming! ;) (How awesome would "twins" be, though????)

Then we had good ole Christmas 2014, which was like the best Christmas ever. Did I tell you I like working for corporate America? Well, I do. I'm all about the Christmas party and prizes and bonuses, yall. :) It was nice to not travel and to just enjoy a nice holiday with our little family, starting traditions we hope to keep going for years. We got a package together for S and her other kids and sent it to the agency there in Kansas. Trying to be better gift givers. It's totally not either of our "love language." But who doesn't like to get packages in the mail? :)

The biggest thing I learned from 2014 is that I can't force what I want to happen. That there are things in life that I can't control and I have to be okay with that. I have to accept God's timing for having babies. I don't have the luxury of saying "I want to have a baby" and within a few months, I'm pregnant. It's just not the way our life is going to go. And I have to let go of control. And go with the flow.

We ended the year in the exact same literal place - at our friend's house for a New Year's Eve party - but in a completely different place in every other way. Stronger, better, healthier, with a hope and faith in humanity we almost lost, with big changes under our belts and a bright future. Our agency is no longer doing adoptions, but we found a way to move on without them. 2015 is all about Baby #2 who is FINALLY coming home! I feel like we can just take this new year to ENJOY the heck out of it. I have everything I've ever wanted right here, right now. 2015 is just going to be a continuation of the awesomeness we got started in 2014. :) I'M SO EXCITED!





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